Glimmers of Hope

There comes a time in a person's life when you must decide to either learn from your past, or allow it to consume you and keep you prisoner. I choose to erase the tapes running in my head, telling me I am no good. I am a Princess! I am Special! I am a Wifey! I am a Mommy! I am a Child of God! I am working on becoming She Who He Has Created Me To Be! I can do all things through Him who strengthens me!

Monday, July 24, 2006

Moving On

Hello faithful readers.
The time has come for Glimmers of Hope (once "Moonlight Shadows") to become something new.
My sister opened an MSN Space awhile ago, and when I checked it out yesterday, I was intrigued. I started fiddling around, and ended up with a new email adress, and a whole new blog site.
This finishes off an era of darkness in my life, accented with heavy words, said by others and by myself. I want to rid myself of the old and become new again. I truly feel I am struggling to make a cocoon for myself; a safe place to hide, change, grow, adapt, and eventually fly. I hope you will come over and join me in a new time in my life.

May God bless you all.
With love and hugs,
Shiray

(the link to the new blog is to the right)

Friday, July 21, 2006

Addition Elle 14+

http://www.additionelle.ca/ae.cfm

This is where I now work. I had my first day today, and worked for 7 hours. Sadly, I didn't have good shoes, and now my toes are bleeding, but I will fix that for my next shift on Monday. I have been hired for putting away stock Mondays and Fridays, with some time spent on the sales floor, and I will probably get more days closer to the Christmas rush. The manager there is AMAZING, completely understands that my daughter is my "number one priority" (her words), and is willing to tweek the position she hired me for so we can break up my 8 hour day to two 4 hours days once the munchkin's in school, so I don't have to put her in daycare very often. She was very happy with my performance today, as was the assistant manager. The other women there seem very nice. I am excited! Plus, I get 50% off clothes! WOOHOO!

My back is sore tonight, but I'm dealing with it. This is my life; I have to get used to it. I have wanted to work in a plus-sized clothing store since I was a teenager, so if I have to deal with some pain for it, I can do that. Hopefully it won't get too bad, though.
I did have a few panic attacks before I left for work, and while I was at work, as well. But I made it through, learned how to use the computer-cash-register, helped a few women put together some outfits and had a good time.

I am functional. I can do this!

Things I am Grateful for Today~
1. My husband's kind words, hugs, kisses and love this morning.
2. My husband's ability to see who I really am, not who I think I am.
3. A new job I can succeed at and perhaps "climb the corporate ladder" for once. Yay!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Anyone for more crap?

So, the binging hasn't stopped in about 3 days now. We had company last night who baked and brought over a double-layer chocolate cake. He meant well, and it was a nice gesture, but we only ate half of it yesterday, which left the rest of it sitting in the fridge today, calling to me. I bet you didn't know chocolate cake had a voice, did you? Ooooohhh, yes, friends. It surely does. It starts off quiet, and gets louder as the day goes on, until you find yourself scooping giant spoonfuls of it into your mouth without even remembering having put it in a bowl... then, finally... silence. Unless there's more cake left. Then give it about 10 minutes, and it will start talking to you again.

In other news, my daughter is having a hard time with her week at Bible Camp. She lacks a few social skills that make it difficult for her to make friends, and she's incapable of sitting still and listening for long enough for me to talk to her about it. Plus, for some reason, she doesn't want to talk to me about her feelings. I told her I was safe, that I was there to protect her, and I can't help her unless she tells me what's going on... it's hard dealing with her. It's emotionally draining on me. I wish I could find some kind of parent support group or something. I wish someone understood. I wish I did, too.

I got a phone call from a plus-sized clothing company today. It seems they were reviewing the application I handed in last November, and I have an interview tomorrow morning. I'm seriously conflicted about it. On one hand, I feel I must go back to work and help contribute to the family income and take some of the presure off my husband. Plus, it has always been a dream of mine to work in a plus-size clothing store and help "big" women like myself feel good about themselves and the clothes they wear. I love the clothing lines this company sells, and I think I would work well there. On the other hand, I have no daycare set up for the summer, since I have been off work since April, and wasn't planning on going back until September. When my daughter goes back to school, unless I'm making $10 an hour ($2 over the minimum wage) I don't want to work when she's at home, or the daycare will suck up any money I make, and I am quite unsure that I will be hired to only work from 9am until 2pm Monday through Friday. If I DID get hired for that, at even $9 an hour, I would be making $900 a month, minus taxes. That would help us out alot... if I can pull it off.
Working a customer-service-related job is highly stressful for me. First off, I don't get to sit down much, and I usually have to wear nice (aka ~ uncomfortable) shoes. Neither of those things help my back situation. Secondly, having to fake being happy, hospitable and helpful for hours at a time sucks up 90% of my emotional energy, and by the time I get home, I'm cranky, tired, and just want quiet and to be left-the-hell-alone. Sadly, this is the only job I'm good at, or trained in. And I'm good at it... mostly... until I have a minor emotional breakdown in my personal life and take it to work with me, or disagree with a co-worker and become a raving bitch and get in trouble. I hate working with other people most of the time, because I want to be everybody's friend, but no one wants to be mine, or I don't feel worthy. My paranoia is HUGE at work, as I feel it's close to being back in school, and I assume that others hate me and are making fun of me on a daily basis. Some days, I wish I could work in a factory, and just insert peg A into slot B and for 8 hours, then go home. I think it would be much easier on my soul.

Frik. I'm terrified about this interview tomorrow. I'm such a people pleaser, I end up going into interviews and telling the person what I think they want to hear, even if it doesn't work for me, then I'm miserable when I don't get what I need at work. When I do stand up for myself, I feel like a giant pain-in-the-ass and think I will be fired. What I WANT to do is go in there tomorrow and say
"This is me; I have a bad back, so I can't stand in one place for too long, or lift anything more than 30 pounds. I would like to work from 9am until 2pm Monday through Friday starting the first week of September, because my daughter is my first priority, and I have to be there for her after school. I'm great with customers, I'm funny, and I'm loyal. If you want me, that's me."

Think it'll work??
*SIGH*

(p.s.~ Joy, I love you, Sweetheart. Thank you for your kind words, and encouragement. I am beginning to open up a little bit about this now, and it's nice to know you are there, cheering me on. Bless you! ~S~)

Monday, July 17, 2006

What the...?

I just love it when you go to the doctor and tell them your throat is sore, and they look in your mouth, and you say "Ah!" and they say, "Oh boy! Yep, you sure are sick! Your whole throat is almost swollen shut!" and then procede to write you a perscription for the BIGGEST FREAKING PILL you've ever had to swallow!!

Ummmm... I'm sorry, how the H - E - double-hockey-sticks am I supposed to get THIS sucker down, when I can't swallow water?! Am I crazy, or is this a really bad idea?

So yesterday I did four things.
1. I swallowed really big pills.
2. I slept.
3. I ate butterscotch pudding and extra-soft cookies and icecream.
4. I watched tv.

I haven't talked about my binging or bulimia here in quite some time. For a very good reason... I like to ignore it. I like to concentrate on just about everything else. But the truth of the matter is, it's a 24/7 fight for me. What to eat. What NOT to eat. When to exercise. When to NOT exercise. How much do I weigh? Am I going to be fat forever? Hiding food. Eating alone. Sneaking food. Eating laxatives. Throwing up. Walking for way longer than necessary to burn more calories. Giving up and stuffing my face again. And on goes the cycle.

When I say I ate pudding and cookies yesterday, what I really mean is, I ate 3 bowls of pudding, one bowl of icecream (the only reason I didn't have more is that we ran out), and an entire BOX of cookies. That's all I had all day. Oh, and somewhere in there I had a chicken sandwich, which I had to force myself to eat, just so I wouldn't go to bed knowing that ALL I ate that day was sugar and crap.

So, on top of feeling crappy today because of my sinus infection, I also have a sugar-hang-over, I'm extra crabby, tired, and even though I feel like a total disgusting PIG for binging yesterday... guess what I want right now? Right now, as I sit here typing, I would possibly cut off one of my pinky fingers for some King Dons, a Brownie Batter Blizzard, or a huge black forest cake. The only thing stopping me from going out and buying those things right now is that my husband is home, and he can't know about it, and the fact that we're tracking all our money, so if I go out and spend $10 on a cake, and have no groceries to show for it, sooner or later I'm going to get caught. So, here I sit... trying to occupy my mind, fingers and emotions on something else besides food. Meanwhile, my mind is racing with all the yummy, scrumptious things I could be eating right now, and then all the ways I could hide it, get rid of the evidance, and then rid myself of the calories.

Good Lord. It's enough to make me want to shove a pencil in my ear to drown out the voices screaming in my head. Where's the rest of that pudding???

Saturday, July 15, 2006

I didn't catch any fish, but I did catch a cold!

All in all, camping with my family was great. I missed my Dad, and I missed my husband, but I had some good quality time with my Mom, brother, and daughter, so it was worth it. I fished for about 6 hours, total, during the trip, and got one fish on my hook, but it got away right at the boat.
I also had some good quality time with a bitterly cold wind, and some rain; hence, the cold. My throat is almost swollen shut and my whole body aches. Yesterday my back decided it had enough, and cramped up on my again. Dang it... just when I think it's getting better!
Some extra strength Tylenol and Valium helped calm it down last night, and I'm at least able to walk today, which is a bonus. I have quite a bit of driving to do, though, so we'll see how that goes.
The Luvox is starting to even out a bit. I'm not so groggy or nauseous, and my mood is a little less numb. I'm now starting to see the decreased appetite they were talking about, which works well for me. I see my Doctor next week, and we'll discuss my options then.

Things I was Grateful for on my Camping Trip~
1. Watching the sunset in the middle of the lake, on the boat with my brother. It was breathtaking.
2. Seeing an eagle or falcon catch a fish out of the lake. Pretty cool. Stupid bird had more luck than me!
3. Laying in my bunk bed one morning, and having my daughter crawl into bed next to me and snuggle with me for about 10 minutes before demanding breakfast. I think that was the best 10 minutes of my trip.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Camping, at last.

Day #6 Luvox 100mg with breakfast
Side effects~ slight drowsiness, headache.
Mood~ Numb.
Energy Level~ Low/Medium.

Today I get to go camping with my Mom, my brother, and my daughter. I wish my Dad and my husband could come along, but my parents are seperated, and my husband has to work, so that doesn't work.
This will be my first camping trip in about 8 years, the first with my daughter, and the first without my Dad. I miss him so much. It won't be the same fishing without him.
I'm still feeling very numb, emotionally. We have had a somewhat major crisis hit in the last few days, and I am finding it difficult to feel anything about it. Am I worried? Sure. But not much. Not because it's not a big deal (it could potentially financially ruin us for a few years), but because I just don't seem to have any emotions. I am continuing to take this stupid Luvox, and will until I see my doctor on the 21st, but I have a feeling I will be switching to something else. I'm not having any panic attacks, which is good, but I'm not smiling or having any kind of a "life", either. It's like being depressed, without the anxiety. Nice not to have the panic, but I feel worse now (depression-wise) than I did before I started the medication. I am supposed to give it a month, and see, but right now, I don't like how I feel. But I will stick it out.

Things I am Grateful for Today~
1. Three days on the lake, around a fire pit, roasting marshmellows.
2. My dance team, the exercise, and the companionship it provides.
3. I'm being proactive in my own recovery, and as difficult as it is, I am proud of myself for that.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

The Day After

Day #4 Luvox 100mg with Breakfast
Side Effects~ Drowsiness.
Mood~ Numb.
Energy Level~ Low.

We survived the biggest wedding of the year. The images look great, the client was happy, and everything should be wonderful, except for the fact that I am BONE DEAD TIRED, and I can't feel anything.

I didn't stress out yesterday, and I didn't pick any fights, but that could be due to having nearly zero emotions right now. This is why I stopped taking the Paxil last year; because I was a zombie. I feel very zombie-ish right now. I would be sad, or angry about that... if I could be. But I can't. Not only that, but I think my sexlife has just completely flown the coop. I'm usually pretty ready-to-go, but in the last week or so... blech. Not interested.

I hate meds.